just the two of us
we can make it if we try.
as i was spending my valentine's with this man, i realized that we've come a long way. he picked me up after work, and drove me into town to run an errand, even though it was out of the way, let me bring my huge sack of laundry to his house, took me grocery shopping and painstakingly helped me choose the right cantoloupe, the right salmon, threw some jalapeno havarti and oranges into my basket then took it from me when he saw me labouring with it ( he used to make me carry all the groceries, no matter what), and set the table and served me the soup that he made the night before, omitting one of his favorite ingredients because he knew it would be too salty for me as i am currently not eating rice. (sugar causes inflammation). he never used to pay any attention to my food restrictions of the moment.
we had a nice conversation about life and work and investing all your time and energy into something because you think you're building for the future, but then life comes and whips the carpet right out from under you. because i mentioned it once in a harried conversation a week ago, he went and signed me up to walk with him for the sun run this year. the last time i even thought of the sun run, i was training for it my senior year in highschool but didn't make it because he wouldn't drive me, as punishment for being 2 minutes late coming outside from the 30hr famine.
ya, i'm talking about my dad. i realized that we've made a lot of progress this last couple of years, and it was one of my main goals coming back from viet nam, after i had seen his family and understood what he grew up around, and also why, after being gone for so long, he doesn't go back very often. there are certain expectations people have, and certain judgements they are not shy about and if i could already feel it from not having any money at all, i'm sure that he feels the pressure a thousand-fold.
i've learned a lot about relationships from my father, both from what i know i need to expect from a man and also what i cannot have in a relationship. the last couple of years, i was mad because i saw my dad in a bad situation, but i've learned to let him deal with it, and also that he chooses to stay with it, and me making things difficult with her just makes it rough for him in the long run. i also see that i'm such a stickler and eventually i put up walls because i'm so scared that i'm settling for anyone just because i don't want to be alone, but at the same time, i think i'm needy because i am scared to be alone. at the other same time, i feel so free when i'm out doing my thang, and getting myself established, and that's what i'm about right now.
i've been running for so long now behind this idea that i will be so happy on the east coast, and i'm sure it will be true, but it's been almost 3 years now, and i've been all talk. this time it's real, and i'm going to DO IT. i just can't be the only one in the relationship doing all the doing. does that mean i want to throw it away? no, no one's even near the rubbish bin. i'm just gonna slow down while i put my foot on the gas. i'm taking a chance, i'm taking a chance on me, following what i feel is right, and forget it, i am no longer going to beg to pay for the privilege to be an american, i've never wanted that, and i can't get lost in what i believe is right. whoever is there with me will be there with me, it won't be forced, it will beauty-full and i don't want to resent or kill anything before it even has a chance, so "slow down baby, we're going to fast, we got our hands in the air with our feet on the gas, we're gonna reck our future, running from the past, we gotta slow down bay-beeeeee..." from the india.arie that i wanted to do my last blog on, but then mals got me to shake my ass with a giant step and a chicken in a snow globe. werd. funny how i can always tell when i start a blog one day and finish it in another. can u?
