changed my mind
ok, so i was a bit shook that i got a message from someone who i never intended to speak to again (add it to the list of folks who need to just stop reaching out because they make me want to bang my head on the wall) and even more shook because it made me see that rather than speak to me directly, the one i actually cared about professed that he was "cool" but so totally not if he has to go wagging his gums in complaint to this mystery of a mofo. whatevs. the following is the reason that this blogspace is completely for me and by me, to vent whatever i need to, and why i will keep it going regardless of my "commercial" success...haha.
so i was just gonna drop it, but then i decided to take the advice of a real man, my man, who calmed me from the angry and hurt and frustrated tears that i cried to him that night, and he told me what i already knew, and that was that if folks are gonna be so trifling, they are not really my friends at all, and they can just be flicked off like the fleas they are. this was further corroborated by the fabulous amalia, btw, i just had to add that in because she's the shit...sekoya on tour in china right now! look for the second album! the single "love's in need" is exactly what music needs right now, and i'm claiming them for vancouver! and for canaduh! alright, honor (cuz there's no shame in my game) plug aside...my baby told me, "write about it girl, it's your experience, and don't let them silence you" so here i am....indeed.
drama is life and y'all helped make it. i acknowledge my part, not to be intentionally a drama queen, but i will not shirk from my responsibility and obligation to MY OWN PROCESS and i will not apologize for the mistakes that i had to make to learn from them. that is how you show self love and commit to a life of learning. if you choose to hide in your own little hole and believe that your heart is cold and that you are not capable of love and honesty and that everyone owes you something, that is your CHOICE, but don't punish me because i choose to roll with the light.
i may have written a couple lines in retrospect about you in my musings, but you're the one who surfs my shit like a coward then contacts me to tell me not to talk to you. grow the fuck up.
i guess there may be honour among theives if not honour among emcees. it's easy to hide behind a common "enemy" if she is the one that you both are too fucking weak to talk to. but consider the shit that each of you dished about eachother to me, and ask yourself if you behaved with any kind of integrity or respect for your "friend", homie....
if you want to be so private and secretive about yourself, your past, and your future, then that's cool, but don't project that upon everyone else. your god does not judge me. my god judges me.i am my god. consult common sense for further reference. if you want to present a different version to yourself to everyone you meet, that's your agenda, but i'm the same no matter what and no matter who. i'm sure of myself, one day i hope that you will get around the aliases. i guess it was telling that the day i met you, u tried to tell me that left eye was beating andre rison. what the cuff kinda ignorant bullshit was that anyway? in fact, i'll answer that question myself, that's the kind of attitude that contributes to the problem of "domestic violence" (god, the name itself burns my blood) because it implies that what happens at "home" is the bizness of the people who live there. that's exactly what you subscribe to, and the exact reason that you are wrong. that shit contributes to everything else in societies, and your chosen silence=your compliance=you're part of the fucking problem. how i wish you were still here to see the latest signs in the train stations right now that actually put it out in the faces of everyone every day. they go along the lines of "don't worry, no one on this platform right now knows that you beat your wife"...bigups to this government for actually having the balls to put that out there. double birdies flipped at cats who are so damaged that they can't even admit it. i was content to never speak to you again, but u left me no choice with that ill message you sent.
speaking of illest, i used to love H.I.M. and though your music is still cool, i took your vinyl off my wall because i see that you've chosen to go with those who will pave the higher road to notoriety and i will withdraw from my little pledge between artists to disperse your material widely amongst my best, because you're no longer there. i was so crushed to learn in this way that you didn't have the balls to say what was in your heart, despite the opportunities that i gave you to reach out, hell u didn't even have to reach, i was there. i promised you that, and i remained true...i thought you were just doing you. but i don't have a lot of respect if you can't even come correct, so without ill will, i'm just gonna chill, but hear this: go ahead and miss me now love, cuz i'm gone.
and i'll heal, and re-focus on those in my life who are worth it, because i'm still blessed and i have to thank-you for being parts to my process. i will continue to grow, but like erykah, i'm planting seeds so i'll reap what i sow, and if you don't wanna be down with me, then you don't wanna be from my appletree...but lucky that i have no shortage of lovelies...from ambrosias to honeycrisps and fujis....peas.
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