a girl's whose name begins and ends with "a"

one exorcism complete and this girl is less scattered. "your apartment looks like it could be in san francisco, but i like calling it 'frisco. wanna go?" sure, there's a trader joe's there.

i decided to freeze my feet as i go out on the street to yoga, what would jesus do? surely not risk comfort for vanity, but we don't use socks in yoga anyway, and jesus lived where it was hot.

thor came through and called me and it was a surprise, i talked to him about the ghost i thought i had that kept creeping (skeet skeeting) and taking my paints and brushes, sheet musics and gifts for bes, grrr..my paycheque was the last straw that broke the back of the camel that carried a wise man.

when i got home from being opened at heritage hall, i made the call to start moving shit around. the particular arrangement i came up with wasn't very feng shui, and since i am no longer 17, i came up with another plan. i got to get rid of a lot of things, junky things, the black light, the posters that kept falling down, and just as i pull back the curtain for one minute to finally clean the footprints off my ledge that marked the morality of the unclefucker who invaded my space, i sat down and zoned and when i focused, some creepy dude had ridden up to my window to tell me what? i don't know. i shooed him away, and decided that yes, i definitely have to move.

i was shaken, and made some calls. who's close by and can come over for a bit so that i can feel less shaken? call one, not heeded, but he wasn't really who i needed anyway. call two wasn't picked up but i sensed that it was because i told him that i didn't want to talk to him for a month. surprise surprise, in my circle of life, call 3 surprises me and calls back.

so much has changed, yet stayed the same with us. he makes it over in a jiffy and i'm wearing a red suit. i felt kind of silly because it was just a combination of my workout gear and my home gear, and the old folks in my yoga class don't flaunt their lululemon. not that i was, but i was pretty co-ordinated. he comments and we hug and get caught up.

i tell him the story about the extra spirit and show him the note i wrote on my empty canvasses (with no paint or brushes, i guess they'll stay that way) that reads "please stop making my shit disappearing". i laugh at the poor grammar, but he assures me that the supernatural are not sticklers for sentence structure. we both laugh at the whole thing, and our situation of coming back around in this continuum of circumstance, we both need to get the hell out of dodge three years ago, and though our timing together has never been right, (and it's still really not) we've never really been able to be together, or apart. i don't think it's gonna happen in vancouver, just because of reality's dictate...but maybe we need to take a trip.

we've both been through some things, we're at the same point in our relationships, and we finally cleared the air about that lovely/awful evening of our last meet. he's driving a car, and little red is on the bus, shift in the universe? we had some bad vietnamese food and discussed fire horses. i am overall hopefull because i think we were more honest than we ever have been, and yet, i know better than to expect anything. (sigh). all4now.

we can make it if we try.

as i was spending my valentine's with this man, i realized that we've come a long way. he picked me up after work, and drove me into town to run an errand, even though it was out of the way, let me bring my huge sack of laundry to his house, took me grocery shopping and painstakingly helped me choose the right cantoloupe, the right salmon, threw some jalapeno havarti and oranges into my basket then took it from me when he saw me labouring with it ( he used to make me carry all the groceries, no matter what), and set the table and served me the soup that he made the night before, omitting one of his favorite ingredients because he knew it would be too salty for me as i am currently not eating rice. (sugar causes inflammation). he never used to pay any attention to my food restrictions of the moment.

we had a nice conversation about life and work and investing all your time and energy into something because you think you're building for the future, but then life comes and whips the carpet right out from under you. because i mentioned it once in a harried conversation a week ago, he went and signed me up to walk with him for the sun run this year. the last time i even thought of the sun run, i was training for it my senior year in highschool but didn't make it because he wouldn't drive me, as punishment for being 2 minutes late coming outside from the 30hr famine.

ya, i'm talking about my dad. i realized that we've made a lot of progress this last couple of years, and it was one of my main goals coming back from viet nam, after i had seen his family and understood what he grew up around, and also why, after being gone for so long, he doesn't go back very often. there are certain expectations people have, and certain judgements they are not shy about and if i could already feel it from not having any money at all, i'm sure that he feels the pressure a thousand-fold.

i've learned a lot about relationships from my father, both from what i know i need to expect from a man and also what i cannot have in a relationship. the last couple of years, i was mad because i saw my dad in a bad situation, but i've learned to let him deal with it, and also that he chooses to stay with it, and me making things difficult with her just makes it rough for him in the long run. i also see that i'm such a stickler and eventually i put up walls because i'm so scared that i'm settling for anyone just because i don't want to be alone, but at the same time, i think i'm needy because i am scared to be alone. at the other same time, i feel so free when i'm out doing my thang, and getting myself established, and that's what i'm about right now.

i've been running for so long now behind this idea that i will be so happy on the east coast, and i'm sure it will be true, but it's been almost 3 years now, and i've been all talk. this time it's real, and i'm going to DO IT. i just can't be the only one in the relationship doing all the doing. does that mean i want to throw it away? no, no one's even near the rubbish bin. i'm just gonna slow down while i put my foot on the gas. i'm taking a chance, i'm taking a chance on me, following what i feel is right, and forget it, i am no longer going to beg to pay for the privilege to be an american, i've never wanted that, and i can't get lost in what i believe is right. whoever is there with me will be there with me, it won't be forced, it will beauty-full and i don't want to resent or kill anything before it even has a chance, so "slow down baby, we're going to fast, we got our hands in the air with our feet on the gas, we're gonna reck our future, running from the past, we gotta slow down bay-beeeeee..." from the india.arie that i wanted to do my last blog on, but then mals got me to shake my ass with a giant step and a chicken in a snow globe. werd. funny how i can always tell when i start a blog one day and finish it in another. can u?

yes, i still remember my password to this blog.

ai-ya, it has been forever since i updated this little journal of mine, so that means that i have been busy. aside from the usual, i am currently obessed with RATS (Robert Sullivan) a fascinating history of rats in New York City and how they are actually a parallel society to us. I have so much admiration for these characters because they have adapted to thrive off of our lifestyle of excess and gluttony. anyways, if i work with you, i've probably already talked your ear off about this. also, i'm on an anti-inflammatory anti-oxident rich eating plan (as the first three letters of diet are DIE) and it's been a bit trying because i'm staying away from sugar (it causes inflammation) and starch (which converts easily to sugar) and constantly have to tell people i'm NOT ON ATKINS. I'm eating salmon all the time and blueberries and greens and nuts and things, so i guess it's just what i wanted to do for myself anyway, have a balanced diet. i've noticed some improvement in my skin, and it's just been under a week, so i'm gonna stick to it.

i've also been very impressed by my iyengar yoga class (had to go back to my training, tried to deviate with other forms at the Y and such, but this is the best). heritage hall is an awesome space for yoga and my teacher is pretty great. she's a dancer as well, so we always do different body things and i always feel very open (but not in pain) after class. there's something about the partner work too, small eastern european women who gently yet firmly grab and pull parts of you that you woudn't have thought to pull yourself. namaste.

in terms of going out, it seems i have resumed my status as an event goer, some things for work and other things half for work. by work i mean my writing work, because this is my heart's work. oh, and i've decided to focus on finding work with youth that incorporates writing and/or music because naturally this would be what i would enjoy doing, so why not make a living from it. i just have to get my ass together and chronicle my resume, etc. and get my search on.

all of the clubbing i've done lately though seems to have centered in the gastown area. first, i went to see Music Machine at Lick and i gotta say the youngest D Reyes sure picked up something in the way of stage presence. They're pretty solid and I'm pushing for a feature for them in the summer issue. i did a review but it never made it up on line...so i don't know if they think i'm saturating that shit or what. next up, lamplighter for the Jeff Spec cd release partay. i've known this cat (kind of) for quite some time, but thanks to myspace we were able to connect and i have to say Rhythm and Blues is the best underground Canadian hip hop effort i've probably ever heard. it was nice to see the city planners blow it up on election night. The beauty-full ones reunite, with new hairstyles and peaces just as tight for the launch of the Colouring Book at Lick, and there was some hard dancing to be had. I was also inspired to wax poetic when I got home, so it was a throwback to years past when I came home from The Alibi Room freestyling after Lost Tribes of the Sun.

And how can I forget the launch of the latest fragrance by Gaultier attended with the fair husband who almost threw away an evening of panko breaded prawns, lobster salad, beef skewers, cheese and fruit, brie and caramalized onion, and Gaultier martinis due to a lack of footwear. He came to his senses though, when I reminded him of where we live and anything that he would be wearing would be way too glamourous in the light of the wardrobe infractions that were allowed to happen in the time it took for him to get there. The hand massage (and subsequent allowed leg groping) of the representative of the fragrance as well as the antics of the LV/Nike drifit rose gnashing with teeth photographer were worth the price of admission alone (free-haha suckers at Skybar, they never make any money off of us) and the moulin rouge burlesque-y dance troupe proved that at least one copy of the carmen electra strippercize dvds have been studied carefully.

i've also been back to seattle to visit a Trader named Joe, and i have to say that in terms of cities, Seattle's a pretty nice one. i lunched at nordstrom's again, and thought of jerri and his first pair of shoes and nordy balloon, and how we got caught up a bit when he called me and i mailed him out his xmas present (the collection of breaking stories from the weekly world news). it was interesting in the car on the way home trying to explain tampons and periods to three faggots. g- "so, you just jam that thing up there? how long do you leave it there? a month? i don't think i could function with a piece of cotton in my ass all day long" p-"whatever, you know you would SO love to have something jammed in your ass all day long". mmm-hmm.

i've seen annapolis and eve and the fire horse and i have to say that the latter was much more noteworthy than the former, especially because i ran into my favorite remaining roots worker, and she may just work there until she dies. but she's growing her hair, and had just come from pilates. she's so my hero.

so, as i ponder the cycle of life and it's cyclical nature, i'm off to take in some sunshine, read further on rats, and study my vietnamese. all4now.