a girl's whose name begins and ends with "a"

because i'm starting to get tired of that sinking feeling that something is missing.

i came to the realization today that i've been feeling that same general feeling of discontent that comes and goes in waves that is much too dependant on others than myself, to the point that i've internalized my worth through only the eyes of those who surround me, hold dear the ones who are emotionally unavailable (because that would actually prevent me having to be in a relationship with someone), and push away those who really care because i somehow project that they must be weak if they want to put more into something than they get out (which is what i demand).

whew.

school, my personal life, work, relationships, what my "dream" is, these things are constantly in flux.

and though triple5soul coats will not cure all, getting one for 100bux (that i don't really have) at a sample sale this afternoon placated me for a minute.

ho hum.

so the word on the street is that the two key words to describe our sign are: artistic and sex

i like movies and movie buffs, and i will unapologetically whoop your ass at scrabble.

i still enjoy captain america panties and tiny ziploc bags full of candy that i will stash in my roomate's son's room.

i feel like a trucker, sleeping so little and living off coffee.

i'm a school skipper, but i do it to work, sleep, and eat indian food.

i've heard a lot of lionel richie played in public in montreal and i like it.

i'm sure that folks wonder if i'm cruel or kind (somewhere in the middle), what my past-times are...i do play board games in the rec room, and i'm a freak, in the bed. no jogging though.

i'm gonna pee my pants laughing at borat, hope i still have a job at the lyrical lounge, and i'm grinning like a loon....there's something about a man who's not gorgeous but is willing to let you hump him in the ass.....

i told the married aries in my class whom i have a subtextual flirt with (he's a horse too...) in french today that in our next life we would take a nap. (sigh) romancing in my imagination is so nice....i'm gonna get ten bux to be prompted to eat chocolate. giddyup.

ok, so after the big blow to the ego, i've noticed that i've been a bit overly emotional this week...first there was the tearing when i heard that mojo had an intern (i don't know why, because i never wanted to be an intern), crying over chapatis that i couldn't roll because i was high off two tokes of a real BC blunt that was supposed to relax me, but instead made me paranoid and content to eat almost raw fried dough (thanks Chrishneill, for really being there..."OK, so can you call me when you're not all depressed and shit?" (sigh) i love the gays.) then there was the tearing at the photoshoot yesterday (or maybe it was from the working for over 24 hours on that without coffee) and of course, the crying for a fortnight at the fact that once again, my affections were won over by someone who doesn't deserve them again, but that was redeemed last night when he called and was all like, "i just called to say 'hi'" and i was all, "hi". and then he didn't have anything to say. teehee. i gotta say i handled it well and found some kind of redemption and tracked personal growth in the fact that i recognized that the deal he was making me (to act like we were having an affair though neither one of us would be doing so-it's complicated..) was bunk and responded to his "i find it really hard to be in the same room as you without being all over you" with "well then, maybe you should leave because then you won't be in the room anymore" to be quite witty and i'm proud of myself for immediately starting to see him as unattractive and not follow the same pattern of just waiting for him to call me so that he could suggest his proposition again. sorry folks, i'm not going to give you a chance to keep rejecting me anymore (e, k, j....that's right, real initials) though it really doesn't help me in my quest to let my guard down with the right ones, does it? oh well, not to beat myself up over it, if i'm not attracted, i'm not, i can't force it, it just prolongs the agony. it's all for a reason...not meant to be right now. a kind voice of reason told me 'let it alone for a month...just a month, then see where you're at'. 

but i took today for myself, with a little help of some anise liquour pre-bed, and relief that i didn't wake up with toxic shock syndrome (but i wore a pad nonetheless) i met up with the great J for some hangout time/festival work but we were shut down by the library and i finally got my duck noodles.

then, i walked to the amc forum (so my favorite theatre) and saw "running with scissors" which was phenomenal. i guess there's something about authors who are abandoned by their parents....on a related note, i saw an in-person copy of "i like you" by amy sedaris, her book on entertaining. i also smiled all day about an old man couple on the metro who were discussing their dinner plans, "so, you like-a have some cheese sandwiches tonight with cucumer?" "yes, i think that's a lovely idea"...and i finished reading The Tipping Point. i still haven't gotten any work done, but tomorrow's another day, right? 

ok, i admit it, the hoody is a whole other animal. you just don't know what's lurking beneath that extra bit of skin, it makes that shit look a bit like a scuba diver gone amiss.

what brought this on?

i'm not sure, i've just come around on a more ebb side of my normal flow (you know the point where i decide to go and "get things done"-er, i'm not sure exactly how that translates to "blog about foreskin" even though that IS on the list..)

but i guess i just had to make that statement, that it "deranges" me a little bit. but not to fret, i know for sure that there is a lot of support for the uncut in the gay set.

good afternoon. that's all.