a girl's whose name begins and ends with "a"

hello werld.so, resuming the meloncholia...but it's all good. the past couple have been hectic, but i'm forcing myself to just get up and do it, without substance abusing. it's been two days and i'm proud.

i have to buckle down and study for this exam, though after two days of hustling, i finally got the resume together and in. i saw a sweet place today for $725, a 2bdrm w/hardwood...but again with the lease breaking. i met up with a Vietnamese sista that i haven't seen since we were both awarded bursaries, like 18 years ago, and she just got news that she's headed to the praries to RCMP bootcamp. i'm so proud of her, and we kinda got caught up over congee...i wish her the best.

one of my student's mom is an old prof i had for documentary cinema almost 3 years ago, and that was awkward since we didn't really have the same viewpoint on the films, teaching style, writing style, marking style...yikes.

Loobs and Jules gave me some pretty good luv advice, most of which I already knew, and i got to see what the fuss about the top model junk is about. i like eva. well, it's good to start crossing things off my list, can't wait until thursday, when i'm treating myself to a matinee.

the last cinematic experience i had was pretty good, Criminal and We Don't Live Here, echoing some of what i'm feeling about work, family, and aloof bearded smoky smokertons. Like the book though, and the other movie, they end up together. off to apply my complimentary estee lauder mascara, all4now.

yes indeed i'm alone again/and here comes the emptiness crashing in/it's either love or hate/i can't find in between/cause i've been with witches/and i've been with a queen/it wouldn't have worked out any way/so now it's just another lonely day/further along we may/but for now it's just another lonely day/wish there was something/i could do or say/i can resist anything but temptation from you/but i'd rather walk alone/than chase you around/i'd rather fall myself/than let you drag me down/yesterday seems like a life ago/cause the one i love/today i hardly know/you i held so close in my heart of hear/grow further from me with every fallen tear

ok, so i borrowed, but lean back and know that i'm wearing my ben harper hat.

see y'all at saul on Monday...prolly blog b4 then, maybe. all4now.

hello werld, had a great title and a list of ish to blog, but alas, i left it at home, but you have to plan for the unexpects..just like how i had to carry my own water yesterday, but hey, i actually got my butt up to do it, so yea m

it's been awhile, so here's a recap, reader's digest style.Geri and I played cops after work on Friday nite, he has all these police files on this nutty cat that believed that Microsoft was bugging his brain and trying to fry him in his bed, Geri will just let anyone off the streets come home with him..tsk tsk. We enjoyed reading both the transcriptions of the interviews with him, as well as listening to the tape recording, while trying to figure out why we had to check the items we wanted from the sushi menu if they were just gonna randomly bring us whatever. overall, a glutonous gut busting time.

saturday rolls around, and Skurvy strolls thru the door all apologies for standing me up on Monday, and we're all good. we hit up Tropika for some eats and headed down to El Kartel for an "art show". It got too toasty hot, and I ran into a junior high skool goth (she looks great as a human now) and the older bro of Linder Surprise drove us back, not before I smoked a 1/3 of his menthol cig and we were disappointed by the lack of prostitutinal eye candy out on Richard's st.

yesterday, Bigs brought me to tears as we discussed the seeming futility of artistic fabulous women to be in meaningfull relationships because we are attracted to those interesting artistic cats that are our equals, but they don't want us back because they feel threatened or whatever it is. It's easier for them because they have hoards of women around them to be their fans, and then they can "settle down" and take the wife when they feel the yearning to. It's sucks for us, because we a)cannot become the "wife" after a life of being freakin' fabulous, and b) cannot settle for that boring guy who will probably work better as a balance. WE WANT THE PASSION. So, here's hoping that it's not impossible, but the floodgates were opened as I thought about it statistically, at least amongst the women I know. Does it make me wanna give anything up though? hells no.

So, after that, the computers crash, and I'm on the phone overtime because I can't close my registers and go home, because I'm trying to tell George from Ohio at the "help" desk what's going on, and he's telling me to switch off this and trace this wire, and it involves crawling into spaces that are akin to dryers. Though I fit in these spots, I didn't really feel like playing contortionist yesterday. I did hear though, how Cayenne sounds American, as this cat's voice and the way he said my name sounded eerily like that. Finally, I go home, put on some candles and some Tribe, and smoked the rest of my pack, and liked it...and started cooking.

Today, I was all over the map, and the language school guy finally caught up with me and bought me a bagel and watched me fidget half and hour over my break, telling me he'd like to see me...he's been trying to do this for awhile now, but I explained my sitchy-ation and he still persists, though convinced that I won't call him, and I probably won't. Too busy working on the whole switching of the day job and continuing writing the most fabulous instrumental piano peace ever. ptoe. work to do, work to do...but at this moment, movies to watch (2) catching up on some missed ones in the summer...all4now.

ok, so i'm starting to wonder myself, if i may be a bit schitzophrenic. maybe i just have a very short turnaround time on retrospect. am i just easily swept up in the emotions of those who (i love) are quick to tempt me into following my rash notions?

i am NOT moving, thanks to all the concerned responses to my posting on friendster. i have to just giggle a little (and look back to see my ass wiggle) that i was willing to engage in such lease breaking, ana-stesia forsaking running away to Main St. just like that. drop of a freaking hat. the idea was charming in the moment, but come on, i'm older and know better than that..

(sigh) i think that my friends are lucky to have me around, for plenty of reasons, but none more pertinent than my love life serves to be comic relief as well as fodder for vicarious living for many who are not as willing or ready to act in such silly palpitations of the heart, over and over again. the irony is though, that you can only receive love to the extent that you can give it. and, as i suspected, i was not proven wrong magically this time. i was not/am not willing to commit, and i fell in love with someone else who is not/can not commit. i say that i can mark a growth because i handled this reality a lot better this time and didn't freak out and cry. in a lot of ways, this had to happen, and who am i to tempt fate and expect to win? i am grateful though, that my last memories of times shared will be of being held until i fell asleep in his arms, tender touching of my face, and staring thru my eyes to that other window, and knowing truths, both unspoken and spoken. even the ones that suck. who knows? maybe this is just the beginning of the movie for both of us. i forget the middle but i guess i'm about to live thru it.

i had a great time teaching yesterday, my energy was back and due to a few new tactics, i can see that this is something that's definitely worth my energy. all4now.

hello werld. wow, so much is happening again, but it's all the good butterflies of excitement. life is a constant change, and i'm feeling on the upswing of things again, everything always works out. wow. is it sunday? talking in cliches.

ok, so officially, kanye and i are not together due to the fact that we both have to focus on gettin our respective ish popping right now, but i think this is a marker of love, because i always thought that unrequieted love was a bummer, but this is not that, this is just bad timing, but i'm not ready to let go of someone who i connext with so like this. i'm babbling, but i think it's the whole i'm reassured and have faith enough to let go enough to receive love. i also now have no excuse to get on with it. we both gotta focus, but we both needed to be reminded that such a connection is possible. so, officially, i'm the girl the biz always warned you about: i just gotta friend. and he's got all i need.

ok, so i may be moving. not just to nyc with my coworkers to combat the drastic change in the management/staff of the store, and corporate restructuring, but I may be moving to Main sooner than I thought. pad with a kitchen and full bath..no wood floors, at least not on my half, but i'll have a pretty neat floormate...and i'll be up the street from mizthang, who i gotta shout out for blogging me so much, i think i lost that time during those events because of love, so forgive me, d, you know i got madd props for you always, i'm number 1.

so, maybe i'll stay in van for awhile, and i can regain that loving feeling that may have waned a bit, and this can be my city of dreams, again. all4now.out.

hello werld. ok, back on the recovery trip of love's hangover...that 'tussin will reck ya, but make you want more. i'm attempting not to slip into the sea of nihilism, and hanging on by the last string of a boxer's tooth..yet i'm starting to do some thangs, so i'm starting to feel better..funny how that works.and i'd just like to send a shoutout to those that read and don't comment...love ya closet freaks, cee-ya on the lo..

ok, so to update you inquiring minds on my events of the past few..friday nite, i went to see "The Yes Men" which has chock full of hilarity, and i was inspired to act out a certain Alanis Morisette song...and to continue our exhibitionism, i read my man a poem he had inspired that day and he scooped me up in the street and began kissing me madly. it drew the whooping/hollering attention of frat boys, and made us look around to see that there was an inordinate amount of shady/g unit gear around, and we were hit with the epiphany that, yes, it was the lloyd banks concert.indeed. needless to say, we had some fun with that.

the next couple have been working..it's my last day today though, so i gotta thank my lucky stars, wow that sounds like i'm quitting, but it's my friday nite, if you will. interesting folks have been through though, gena lee nolan of baywatch fame, i asked her if she was still tight with david, and she said yes, so i asked her about the rumour of the rap album with ice-t and she didn't affirm, so maybe he wants to keep it on lock and surprise us all. hassel the hoff, though, is a "serious actor" and frowned upon the idea (supplied by gena's hockey husband) of spoofing the night rider...a fabulous pair of pierced stylists also came in to shop and the bigger one clogged up my whole lane in front of the cash desk, gesticulating wildly with his venti 3/4 full americano about how Paris Hilton is a rich ho (hey, preaching to the converted here) who has no business being a Guess model. ah yes, more of the same, more of the same....all4now.

ok, so y'all saw it coming, probably. I certainly didn't, but ain't that funny how it's when you're not looking that love comes and knocks you off your feets like Stevie, for reals.

It all started off with a kismet encounter in Oakridge Mall with an old Colt, the exchanging of some numbers, thoughts of "wow, he's still pretty cute and he's up to some interesting stuff" and connex, connex...then the shortie of a phonecall that deduces that he's also into the library, Main St., and cake.

Next, it's the 3 hour, laugh the whole time my face hurts lyrical exchange from Common to Kris Kross, to existential convos to serious shiz about fate and family to silly ish like Anchorman. We have some serious chemistry around late Supersonics and how Kanye has stolen his identity. He didn't even try to defend Ulcer. He's got me all giddy like skool daze, and yesterday, after feeling bold from visiting the Kingsgate library, I called him up and we shared a bowl of laksa from Hawkers. Then back to his crib to see the joint and listen to some songs that he made that reminded me of Eternal Sunshine...we vibed further and whilst explaining how he doesn't believe that time exists, he slips me the sweetest of kisses upside-down a la Spidey. H.O.T. haven't felt like that since the days of yore, thought young luv had passed. But the next 10 hours pass and we don't sleep, rather laugh, kiss, pillow talk some shit, lather rinse repeat. It was ruff, but he got up to go to class and I went to yoga, who woulda thought that I could fall asleep in an instance where I was moving my body every 3 minutes?

After class, I rolled back thru Oakridge, Sammy recruited me back into the homie game by giving me the bboy I have been coveting, and we (Special K and myself) went thru a series of trips back and forth rustling up busfare and sustenance. We spent the beautyfull afternoon walking over the Granville St. bridge, and he bought me a record from a thrift shop of some cat playing Chopin for young lovers, because he remembered it from my published ish, and the cover features young lovers indeed sharing an upside down kiss.

So, as I blog this going on absolutely no sleep at all, I wonder if I'll make it thru my class tonite, but I'm still floating right now so I don't really care. Flashback quote of the evening: Me: "I think I have an armpit fetish" K: "I think I have a kissing you everywhere fetish". PTOE.

hello werld. another VIFF has passed, and next year, I will be a more active participant. Bash picked my 3 films, and I saw varieties of penis in every one. A little bit of a morbid outlook in life, but oh well!

I also had a successful meeting with Mama B, "my editor", and there seem to be people around trying to remind me to do my thang, like the agent I met today at werks...gotta join Tribe, apparantly, though I don't think I'm ready to give up friendster just yet, especially cuz I just posted that ill shot of me in the socks. yep.

last nite, it was time for cabaret, and all my faves: drag queens, spazzy rocker boys, readings, and interpretive dance. went with Linder Surprise, to support our MILF Beaver, who was smokin', and we ran into Mozaik as we were leaving Granville Island, and they were actually playing Wu-Tang on the beat, so we laughed at the freestyles, and I had to call D cuz M-E-T is her man. met up for some almost late nite eats on Main, the bestest of streets.

this morning, I sampled the pumpkin spice latte and walked past all the pumpkin-y themed room scents and for lunch I had the thanksgiving burrito, of mashed potates, stuffing, and turkey in a burrito with gravy and cran sauce, and that was the extent of my thanksgiving.

I gave up on some free food with the family of MC for more free food in the land of mizt and my ear is still burning from the unexpected phone call of excellence from my "don't call him kanye"...and I haven't laughed this much or talked that long, or felt so connex since (dare I say it?)...Satan...and on his bday too, ah, the irony, but it's all good, he has his Jezebel now. Put THAT on everything.

hello werld.

so, i'm in my fit theory class last nite, learning about how you are in danger when your body stops sweating, and thinking back about a year at this time when I was in the mountainous Northern Vietnamese town of SaPa, and doing 14km hikes and not drinking enough water, and that this was why I was dizzy and stumbling around the streets of Ha Noi! Of course, I learned this at the hospital after I was scared to go and started a family crisis with my cousin for "disobeying" her. Ah, memories.

Friendster has also taught me that Satan has found his Jezebel. GRRRRR. Whatever, the heart is also a muscle. And it's Satan's bday on Saturday, also the day when Kneel is set to go off to sail the world. He promised me a free lunch, but never followed up. Oh well.

And today, after having a great conversation about almost anything but writing with "my editor", I discovered that perhaps my choice of wardrobe was faulty. I felt a bit ridiculous clopping around on my hells on the East Side. Another throwback to last year at this time, remember the geisha slippers to climb the mountains?! Mylanta! all4now.

hello werld.

so, is it nuts to be strangely comforted by the fact that said vegetable makes my pee smell funny? it reminds me of being a kid. anyways, i'm trying to kick the SARS and do the healthy living by getting my salmon and green spears in.

i've been feeling so good, and nothing in this world can bring me down. i wore my sexxxy new heels to work yesterday, and miztitty stopped by, just as i was going on my break. it was nice to see her fatbooty again, just as I was starting to ms her. she rolls up and was like "are you wearing your skirt as a top?!" damn skippy. Gotta lotta attention, especially from fab gay men buying gifts for childrens, bringing this fly to fruit heaven.

today, getting back from yoga, i run into mr. fabulous not quite kanye but close from back in the day and we traded war stories, from our parting ways from RHS. could be something here...and i keep seeing cuties all around again...(sigh) revamping the roster? stay tuned. i got ribbed by mohawkery about going to yoga...but secured my position as not being part of the faddy faddertons who, like Barbizon models...don't really do yoga, they just look like they do. hate on that. all4now.